it seems that i cannot stop myself from writing. for the past 3 hours, i have been filling up the pages of my journal. i wish this writing were going towards sometinhg useful, like my book. instead, i'm just going on tirades against the contagious stupidity foating all around me.

my mother is tearing me down, one insult at a time. i can't see how she can constantly be speaking the way she does, and still believe that she has any semblance of intellegence in her body. we fight about everything. she thinks that i am a fuck up because i don't want to be what she thinks i should. it's always the same old song

everywhere i go. i get stranded, rivaled, i hear words i never heard in the bible...

i am trying to figure out a way to do this sort of benefit show for my schooling. it would entail a lot of design work, and a lot of rich people wanting to send an ambitious girl off to college. the thing is, i have to front the initial cost. and of course, there's always the possibility of it just failing miserably.

that's the spirit!

i really want to prove to people (aka my mother) that i'm not a fuck up. by no means am i a fuck up. it's just hard to keep your head up when people are pressuring you from all sides to become the successful corporate drone they all want you to be.

fuck that. i want to be a writer. i want to slap people in the mouth with my words. is that wanting too much? of course not! the thing about writing is that noone respects a writer. they think we're all lazy sons of bitches who will do anything to get out of having a real job. i think it's quite contrary to what we're really about.

being a writer consumes your entire being. you eat, sleep and breathe words at an alarming rate. people who do not suffer from this infliction cannot possibly understand. when your mind is constantly in motion (no matter how trivial that motion may seem to someone on the outside), it takes a toll on you. a lot of writers may not be considered as friendly or warm as you might like. can people not consider that any spared emotion must go into the work? even one ounce of misdirected passon can compromise a writer's entire goal. you fall in love with ideals and characters and setting and climax and all the parts that make a story. your life is that story for as long as you are writing it.

jesus, i just made all that a lot clearer to myself. you are what you do. if you are a writer, then it's not uncommon to get carried away in the job. i just looked at my statistics on this site: i have written nearly twentyfivethousand words in this blog over the past 2 years. that's not even writing daily... not even weekly. i think it's safe to assume that i am cut out for this. i don't have any other practical skills. (none that satisfy me as thoroughly, anyhow)

jesus. i really get going, don't i? salinger would be rightly dissapointed.